Review: Aliens vs. Predator – Requiem

1-0
Move along. Nothing original to see here…

I honestly didn’t think I’d pay to see a movie worse than Spider-Man 3 this year. I was wrong.

I plopped down $10.25 to see a little gem (if by “gem” you mean load of crap) called, Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem (or “AVPR,” for short).

Now, I have to say despite its many, many flaws, I still found myself amused – slightly. The film almost walked the line between campy spoof humor and kick-butt action. The special effects and the art direction were top notch. The cast was good – sometimes very good.

But, the main problem was that the sub-plot of humans in danger and the dialogue writing sucked big time.

Here, the main characters that draw the audience into the theatres are the acid-blooded Aliens and techie-savage Predators. The problem, neither of these characters talk – the most noise either of these makes is a clicking growl or screech.

This means the supporting humans must have interactions and dialogue worthy enough to draw in the audience enough for it to suspend disbelief in what is a pretty unbelievable concept. That just doesn’t happen.

[NOTE: Matters don’t get much better when the plot holes are so big that it’s hard to follow the story because the audience is talking out loud asking valid questions such as, “now why didn’t they just drive away in the tank?”]

With not-so-witty banter such as, “You’re too stupid to talk, shut up!” and “People are dying; we need guns,” screenwriter Shane Salerno is living up to his track record of writing really bad movies. He’s responsible for two other piles of bad dialogue in 2000’s Shaft remake and 1998’s Armageddon. I seriously wonder how he continues to dupe movie studios into paying him money to write.

It’s a shame.

The Alien franchise is one of the best in science fiction horror history. But now it has devolved to the level of self-aware bad camp. Sad.

Final rating: Horrible. 1 star out of 5.

(It gets the one star instead of zero for three reasons: 1. they avoid the save-the-babies for no apparent reason cliche of most horror films, 2. A laugh-out-loud scene when Daddy is telling his little girl there is no such thing as monsters, and 3. the creators put in little non-subtle but amusing nods to just about every famous horror movie made in the past 50 years.)